In his story Chris tells us about his sexual history and some of the struggles he has faced when exploring his sexual desires. Touching Base saw an opportunity to provide Chris with some insights and information about a few of the issues he raised. Chris appreciated our commentary and advice, saying “It all makes sense now I think about it”. Chris has agreed for us to publish our comments about condoms, setting boundaries, masturbation and other sex/relationship options, because he agrees they might be helpful to other people with disability and sex workers facing similar situations.
NB: All names have been changed for privacy.
One size doesn’t fit all
I am 37 years old and born with a minor disability (cerebral palsy). I have full intellectual and sexual function. My disability is physical. Due to this I’ve always had problems finding a girlfriend. I had a few girlfriends in primary school but they were not serious and nothing sexual (nothing beyond kissing and very minor mutual fondling).
In my teens I had a homosexual relationship with a boy of about the same age – This lasted about a year. It was weird but kind of fulfilling. We were both normal teenagers without girlfriends, who were trying to release the sexual tension of puberty. He did not have a disability and this gave me confidence that my disability would not be a factor in any future sexual encounters.
Unfortunately, this has proved not to be the case. I’ve had difficulty finding sexual partners since then. I’ve reverted solely to seeing sex workers. I first visited an escort agency when I was 21. This was partly successful but I needed hand relief towards the end. This was the first time I’d worn a condom and it felt weird and uncomfortable.
I tried again a few years later with a sex worker. The result was the same. Needed manual relief to achieve ejaculation/orgasm. Could not achieve this during actual intercourse.
I tried seeing a sex worker again a few years later. I wasn’t able to maintain my erection during intercourse which was embarrassing. Managed to again have manual relief before the end which saved face a bit.
My next experience was a few years after that (about 5 years ago). Even more embarrassing. Really nice sex worker, but couldn’t achieve orgasm at all. Even with manual relief. I put it down to being really nervous and also the condom being uncomfortable.
All of the sex workers I’ve visited over the years have been brilliant, so I started thinking I might be the problem or it may be my disability. I briefly consulted a therapist who advised to look at a dating website in order to achieve a meaningful long term relationship rather than a sex worker. They even said to disclose my disability as part of my dating website profile. I understood their point to an extent but ultimately have never had the confidence to use a dating website.
My lack of prospects for a long term partner, led to one of my parents setting me up with a mail-order bride. Apparently this person knew in advance of my disability but was still keen on meeting and marrying me. I was offended initially, but like any red blooded male I did email her. She just came on too strong though and it didn’t feel right. So that didn’t go any further.
The last visit to a sex worker was about six months ago. This was much better. I recognised that the problem was the strange sensation the condom caused. So I requested to have an appointment without penetration or oral sex. This was great. The only downside was that I wasn’t able to do the full on sexual experience. Nevertheless the resulting manual orgasm was probably the best I’ve ever had.
I then thought back to my gay relationship in my teens and wondered if I might be gay or bisexual. I actually went as far as booking a gay sex worker (He said in his ad that he specialised with disabilities). He even sent me photos. I tried to get excited about it but just couldn’t. I realised then I wasn’t gay and I cancelled the booking.
I now have another booking for a female sex worker tomorrow. Not sure how it will go, but looking forward to it.
In between visiting sex workers, I’ve been able to achieve normal sexual satisfaction, through masturbation and use of porn etc. (At least once a day, and up to 6 times a day.) This has been a confirmation that I don’t have any sexual dysfunction. However I have had to come to terms with the fact that I’m probably not going to find a long-term partner or wife that I can love or spend the rest of my life with or for that matter have any children. Sometimes this makes me sad. Despite my disability, I have all of the normal desires and needs of any man. However as I approach middle age it is something that I’ve had to come to terms with – And nothing is impossible as they say. In the meantime I have to focus on the fact that I’ve led a very full and satisfying life.
Chris – 2017
Comments from Touching Base:
This story raises a few points that are worth exploring and Chris has agreed for Touching Base to provide them here.
Firstly, it is not unusual for men not to orgasm during penetration (with a woman or with another man). This may happen whether or not the man is wearing a condom.
It can be a good idea to practice using a condom during masturbation in order to test out which condoms best fit your penis’s shape and width. For instance it is a very common misunderstanding that a ‘large’ sized condom would best fit a penis which is longer than the average penis. In fact a ‘large’ condom size means it would best fit a penis that is wider than the average penis. Condon sizes relate to width, not length. For instance, in the GLYDE range of unflavoured condoms:
The first three condoms listed above are exactly the same length. The SuperMax is only 1.5 centimetres longer than the others.
Like penis’s, condoms come in different widths and shapes and the best fit should allow sensations to be felt more easily. And it is less distracting if the condom fits well too.
Also it is not unusual for men’s erections to come and go during sex, depending on a wide range of factors. Certainly being nervous and wearing an uncomfortable condom could negatively affect a man’s level of arousal.
There are also non-latex ‘female’ condoms available online and in some sex shops. These can be inserted by a women into her vagina, or by a man into his anus. If a ‘female’ condom is being used, it means a man doing the penetration doesn’t need to wear a male condom. This can give quite a different sensation and may be useful if a man has difficulty wearing a condom during penetration, and/or if he finds it difficult to maintain an erection during penetration.
As Chris found out, setting clear boundaries or limits around what kind of sex you’d like to experience can be a great way to gain, or regain your confidence, in sexual settings.
When a person frequently masturbates many times a day it may set up a habitual pattern that could make it difficult to orgasm any other way. We recommended Chris consider trying a variety of different masturbation techniques or ways of stroking his penis if he can. This may assist in breaking up any habitual pattern to reach orgasm. Also avoiding masturbation for a day or two before having sex with another person could assist him to build up extra sexual tension. This might make it easier for his body to positively respond to other forms of erotic stimulation or masturbation techniques, performed on him by his future sexual partner/s.
We also let Chris know that it may also help to show his sexual partner/s how he masturbates if he simply wants to guide them into doing the same technique that he knows works well for him on his own.
We like the way that Chris stays positive at the end of his story, even after having met setbacks and challenges. A positive attitude is a very attractive personality trait and we wish Chris all the best and hope he reaches his relationship goals.
ONLINE DATING OPTIONS
Finally we note that there are now people around who offer services teaching people with disability online dating skills – so that might be an option for Chris to explore in the future too.